I killed a fish to eat in an oven In the mouth the first flesh I’ve absorbed in 18 years A thing was alive it squirmed on A boat in the blood of its brothers did
I like that I killed it Did I like death On my tongue
There is a shower after fish Pungent fluids bubble on loofah Smear unholiness on my Breasts do not forgive me What a nightmare to be alive Reach arms to rinse my ass, Palms startle when they find Shallow buried serpents Muscle ascends spine Wind through The trellis of my ribs Connect body parts And spook at the Strength that exists I twist to reach my thigh And somehow It appears I dance And somehow, The faces of creatures I work with violate my Mind consumed by wonder Of how they give their trust to me And out of the void I feel Somehow I am loved there is Goodness within twin serpents Meet forked tongues At the crossroads of my pelvis Join polar magnets what a truth To be alive and what happens When the snout of dance finds The lips of the awe of humanity I recognize the human in you And the human at the core of me
I began to cry A body slaps Wet sand like a fish And dies alongside millions Of the tiniest of Deaths Water floods eyes A pipe has burst The Mississippi river Body heaving Rips valleys into My flesh feels this is real Long hair fans out like Seaweed in the hissing steam From a metal hole Please exit the theater In an orderly fashion For close to the surface A tower of bones collapses Against a shower wall That I have never touched before In the hundreds of times I have Shivered naked in this space
Cursed the soft form A newborn snake exits Some damp egg Ripe with mucus Somewhere to go
There is no other option I can no longer deny That I am alive
Today I take myself to the New Orleans Museum of Art Alone past lotus pond a ghost’s reflection a Magical Girl Sat on the concrete ledge you were once here With me. I always loved you by my side.
Back inside, down a sleepy hallway Corridor less wandered Exists a Golden Cabin I saw you here Mr. Alligator. Sun kissed pebbles flow Up my belly warm my breasts Pool in my collarbones Whisper your voice lowers for me You were here many years ago And I fall in love at City Park again & again As I always do
You are here somewhere in my body you Haunt these halls enthralled in mystery In lust with wonder do you feel me here too?
In ceremony, I approach the golden cabin, Enter my feet inside the holy indentations Your boots follow a gilded pathway inside
Breath escapes body we make contact here Skin to frozen skin between thin metal sheets Ghost to howling banshee Stand where you stood, Mr. Alligator. Eyes Ablaze in molten gold, in mundane splendor There are metallic smartphones and straws and old soda can tabs I begin to see simplicity Now I know why you were here. This whole fucking city Our feet, soles to soles Connect Siamese Twins I can bet you’ve been about everywhere
I discover myself lonely Expose a hollow I am 14 years old Bathe in that old music you got me back into If I cut myself If I bled & left a mark a call or please please I am here do you see me? On Repeat? The Noose? You were fucking right okay? The Nurse who Loves Me is my favorite song please tell me how you knew You fucking Saw me For a Split second for as long as I needed, You Fucking know Stop You’ve done nothing to hurt me lonely I fucking hate you I beg you in finality Release whatever filth in me in full lucidity you can Fucking take me
I pray to god one day I will Have the words to say the Courage to Face whatever needy, clinging sickness I orbit you a comet I crash into you Burning fast and Arrogant, selfishly tearing apart the atmosphere you spent A decade weaving blankets you insulated Your heart attempted to snuff out the fires I burst through, I do not care at all. I am full of violence.
Unstoppable force: You are Welcome Here Child on Bordered Lines If she cut her thigh & bled it all out felt that Pain white hot counting seconds nursing Bandages too clean for this filth I desire most pain
Yet the truth behind the truth is The shame at the swelling in my heart the Fantasy that no one could see my dripping wound.
Not a breathing soul would see it there Could feel that pain No one could detect it in my eyes No one would know at all
But the truth behind my heart is the Secret behind my fantasy is the Little girl behind my rage that one day Hopes you will know & You will feel bad And you will know One day How you have hurt me so
I must disconnect. “Don’t sleep on a bare mattress again Chere, When are you gonna stop breaking your heart at City Park, Like you always do?”
This is dysfunction This is longing behind Holding my own body hostage Behind whatever worth I may or may not have Behind Check Mate Screaming Whywon’tyoulovemewhatthefuckdidIdowrong? Please don’t leave me here I need you, there I said it, I fucking need you in finality behind I know you fucking saw me THIS IS REAL I AM NOT A GHOST if only for a split second I know you fucking saw me
& the deepest truth of all is the pornography I loop in my brain of a fairy tale I read to babies where you look at me all dressed up and all beautiful all fucking funny and taking over the fucking world And you just know I don’t have to say a thing Somehow you just know You see my suffering You see through me
Whether curled in a nest of Twigs, fur and moss Or sliced raw by marsh grasses, Sometimes Blood stains, We do not fear sinking In the Muck we evolved To thrive in macabre Creation and in decay.
“Mr. Alligator, the kindest of us posses the depth To be the most cruel.” “Dear Swamp Bunny, we are gentle because we have been Hurt the most. We crave to be that which We were denied but our Pain lashes out hot and fast From time to time.” And cruel we are. Merciless as angelic Show your wings sweet Child they are fresh but you must use the damn things Don’t fear showing your Spotless capacity to love Pure and violent
Today you emerge from the Muck Printemps, I am Molting my Winter coat We are ravenous Shaking for food Quiver for touch, for warmth Praying for a peek of sunlight Cold in the bone of Haunted cypress chilled and Bald, new born held In raw hands
We have faith that Heron and Spoonbill Part the Thunder Raise the sun Warm days to come
Why yes I am warm blooded, yet Delicate and not afraid to dirty my snow white fur “You need a little help Keeping warm yes?” Yet Your big teeth do not scare me Your deadly tail falls with a thud More than a reptilian mind,
I see quiet in you Softness is your pheromone Draws me back to you Taste Blue Iris when we kiss When you whisper in my sharp ears: “You’re a tough little Bunny.”
Safe to close my eyes under the Stars Cicadas hush our worries I could Place my paws into your steaming jaws Courage the Lion The tamer, the Savior I believed my prayers went Unheard but I found you caught Every word every Twitch of my lashes each Tap of my feet you watch, you remember By moonlight you watched me sleeping
“I am more scary than you will ever understand, Alligator” “But I am more afraid than you know, little Swamp Bunny. You are only scary in your mind and I am not afraid of you.” I said, “I watched over you all winter, Counted soft bubbles through molasses, Where now the lily’s feed. You breathed sleepy and dreamed of me. And I hopped around the Neighborhood For the last few seeds and final twigs Little teeth could gnaw To share with our friends I knew you would return you to me You slit your eyes open your scales Stop pretending you don’t care!”
Push my paws against your cheek. “Look me in the eye!” and he said, “I pray to god one day I will cry.”
“I dare you to push the limits of What you thought your heart could take.” And he said, “I dare to you push the boundary Of how deeply you thought you could let go.”
A softer desire. Sweeter, quieter affection. You move slow, make sure I enjoy you. Can we be little creatures together? I’d like to burrow into you, into soft Earth, Can we make love tonight? Like the Wind, You want to see so much, cannot Sit still, I must respect Your nature, my lover I can only Pray that you choose to stay
You are the Wind Also the steady Breath Come home to the body Bringer of seasons Messenger of Tidings of Summer heatwaves you Howl through my bones Love You hurl sand grains in the Eyes of distant armies you Blow the Sea from shore to shore Your waves Overpower my body and I let you caress me on the porch by the Sea.
You are always here Come home to my body Deep Belly, throat, mouth and lips Fill me to my lungs and nose Make me wonder if I will survive the pleasure of your fingertips Assault of my lips, tangle my hair I want you. There is your Voice from California I heard You’re still singing. Alone or In a crowd I don’t care just Keep fucking singing Fuck till we’re gasping Fight till we’re screaming Keep sending me paper letters Crisp leaves falling slow carried In your palms across Mountains across Prairie. Home to New Orleans.
We’re not so far away, Really I can still hear you singing.
Feel your chest rise and fall, my sweetest Aquarius if you can’t tell me, please whisper in my ear. I will pause the turn of the Earth to create quiet enough to hear you. I will breathe over your chest, kiss your lean stomach, I will put goosebumps down your spine.
Caus your voice is the one I want to hear right now. Yours alone. Ours together I’d bet we will make music, we’ll make Magic.
& if it makes you happy maybe I will float with you, steadiness as we pause here and there to plant seeds and
Running again we are panting, we are Always laughing we Make love we are gasping and Fingers dig into each other hold on For dear life I fucking promise I won’t let you Blow away & you finally held on You returned to your body We sighed together Ragged and Terrified Stop Running Catch your breath Please come home
I’d part the Red Sea if I could find a way into your heart Navigate the Mountains between us Not the hurricane, not the tornado Will be a reason anymore find the True reason for running off Stop pushing me away Breathe in, let go Come home.
Last weekend I found myself In the lap of a beautiful woman Warm and high we Float serenely on a Large pool toy of Nesse, Amongst the Nerd Babes Wild party @The Drifter Hotel, A popular alternative nightlife venue it is Almost Summer Solstice In New Orleans, Louisiana
Neon lights slide across our Dewy skin, rainbow beach balls Deflating aliens float by, Fellow revelers lounge Sip cocktails and daqueries as 90s pop vibrates our bones. Feet Lull in the warm and lightly salted water.
The beautiful woman beneath me keeps me warm. I feel her skin, she is Topless she is my Best Friend We gaze directly up to the cloudy sky, Midnight pollution the city makes it Difficult to see many stars Yet here I am, with you Looking anyway
She took me out tonight she got me high bought me a soda helped me eat a falafel gyro she lent me a swimsuit and listened to me spill darkness from my chest and into the void of the sky that we stared deep into on this night, we glimpsed from the edge of the cliff we saw our reflection in distant nebulae in the eyes of god we were no longer mad at each other because we made it out alive. We know our love is greater than the pain this world can provide.
I love her
The crowd follows our every move. All eyes Desire to see us kiss. All men Imagine touching our bodies.
Sola, all curves, perfect Hourglass figure, olive skin, Giggling over a cute guy that told her He thinks curvy girls are sexier. She is Charming, dirty blonde hair, vivacious Boundless Joy and a love that Gives as much As fears and I, Waist length dirty blonde hair to match Pulled half up in space buns memory of Magical Girl. Black roses, holographic Pentagrams, and a Lavender rosary which I nibble on to take selfies and Wonder how offended or aroused he would be To see his Crush half nude with His Savior in her pouty lips.
We strut past the pool to Get drinks and All Eyes are on us We know how beautiful We are Lillith Tempting prophets to connect Holy Pleasure to their Sin
Tonight, Sola takes care of me, Accepts the Mother Role with One hit of her bong Found myself Too high, needing her help, Forced, To accept her help
Perhaps, in truth An excuse to accept help a Tangible reason a valid reason to Need
Often I Need help Physically Eating When high, food cannot travel From table to mouth my Quiet hands forget that journey Lose their way in between Maybe I can ask to be fed I can Ask for someone to notice How I struggle how my tired Hands get lost. Pray for Rain.
Healing us both, Role reversal for just one night With a kindness that brought me close to Tears, she taught me how to Light the household bong with A patience I struggle to trust I knew I had permission to take my time to Make mistakes. I knew she cared.
Sola: the nurturer, the patient teacher, the mother Holding space for, forcing me to receive.
Please, never leave me I will love this woman till the day I die
Soft, pink & warm thing, Palm of my left hand you lie Sleeping you dream of dancing maybe One day crying.
He is nearby. Never sure if He is watching, So continue performing. Carry on your Prancing. Let him close when he approaches. It’s okay to look away when He can’t see.
Disgust & self-loathing, Feed your daughter before She knows better. Before she knows She’s stronger. Feed her poison when she laughs Too loud. Shine her windows when she Scrapes her knee playing ball.
Put a needle in her palm. Buy her a shiny fish to stare at.
Teach her to slit her Tongue & Lick Bruises, to keep cumming, Flipping pages, avoiding Rages.
It won’t be long till she understands her opinion is only valuable for marketing.
She’ll teach herself how to starve, don’t worry about that. She’s okay, really, she’s okay. It’s not a problem because she Keeps Saying She’s Okay.
And mind your damn business.
He had visions of you taking over this world and he was terrified, you shook him to his core. He knew, he saw your fire, he saw you dancing in red skirts, heard you singing wild, he understood the threat of your joy, the sharpness of your mind, the power of your body, the magic in your words,
He saw you as a weapon
& He made you believe that for many many years.
As you were born he feared you were a witch yet Here you are a Sorceress You are yet a queen Embody Goddess recognize yourself in the mirror Honor her in each of your sisters Don’t stop gazing You will see
——————— Photograph at top is by: Aries Photography, find her on Instagram @ariesphotographynola Modeling is by me: Mag
Scary bunny I am an angry bunny, foot Stomping, ears Twitching, brows furrowed, shine In my pink eyes. I defend my rabbit friends to the Death with sharp teeth and strong Curved claws digging, digging
How far To China?
My home is in the soil Cool & soft & deep
Packed tight all summer with rough paws These round halls contain those I love Home is curled in a dry Nest With you
Yellow feathers, fur of wolf, fauns’ eyelashes
Lull to sleep I built this paradise myself Dug all the way and hopped the Great Wall Looked the hawks in the eye as they swooped Down for my neighbor’s babies Still pink, eyes yet to open And I looked away after I
Gnawed off their wings, as struggle made way to a helpless release, as They gave up the fight. I watched the gleam fade from their deadly eyes.
Of all I was able The one I loved the most I could not save
My whiskers quiver, Spider webs, sticking and so sheer they’re invisible but you feel them nagging on A scratch, a pain you will search for decades
Warriors do not feel fear at all
Describe the boundaries of what makes you feel safe How will you sleep, knowing your babies rest Sweetly with small breaths and fluttering noses Glow-in-the dark moons and stars
I will protect you
I’ll see you play in the sunshine tomorrow morning Holding hands, sipping dew drops from sunflowers Blushing with yellow pollen on your white cheeks Nectar when you kiss me Read you a little book tonight Fluff your daffodil tail Paint black lines on your eyes Gather twigs Well water from a mossy pail Open your hutch tonight, okay? Gloves over chicken wire, I’ll be there by midnight String over throat
I climb in trees fate is thin branches hold a girl’s weight toll of a bell sway in the turn of seasons cling to the metronome wonder just how far over these old houses can I see how far can this branch bend take me towards the earth and back into space again spring me in and out of reality life exists between sky and earth life within girl in leaves and roots in soil death exists.
Doesn’t know doesn’t care where she will rest
She Swings. Allows fate to toss dice. Lets the wind make up its own mind. Sails or no sails. Swings Climbs trees Scrapes on Forearms Thighs Thick bark in hands rough feel my skin
Just as I am
See me as the girl in trees
Now in trees equidistant she is the connection of heaven and earth
I place a crown upon my head goddess of in-between connection meeting point electricity communication alliance
Sacred heaven mother earth I hold you to my cherished chest
Sacred body Magdalena’s earthly presence carried in silks across continents shared in a hush, in a cry, in a joyous song in the net in leaves catch the sun hold tight my moon crown glints night and day water, dark star dust floats through the fabric
I am on earth.
Held in comfort my arms bear, rejoice, uplift, empower
I stand firm feet in soil Hair wild and tangled in the wind
Chelsea says she’s invited to the Stone Wolf Camp, says they told her to stop by if she heard drumming in the night, and I can come if I walk with her by her tent first to drop off her swimsuit and pick up her smores supplies to share at the Heathen Fire.
Terror is equal to a molten curiosity in me. A cloudy night, darker than you’d ever walk back in the city, dark as entering a great sea. A post ritual exhaustion thick in the air, but radiating and smoldering coals burn on a few more hours into the night. Chelsea, the lamb in the darkness, her small lamp spilling across faded grass as she leads us on.
I’d loved her as soon as I saw her, felt her rush and she is so much like Sola I can’t hide the magnetic pull. We’d met just the night before at Gryhpon’s Nest Camp in Springfield, Louisiana, not far from my home in New Orleans. My fourth stay at this private campground, with my Pagan community for the sacred holiday Imbolc which doubles as my birthday and I now have 30 years.
All the way to the back of the property she leads me, brave and focus ahead, says we need to look for the big tires: the true entrance to the camp. Bare feet find twigs and we navigate through partially trodden bushes and briars that have been gently parted over and over again and lull loosely back into place.
murmer of voices in the near distance.
Chelsea turns off her small light and slows her steps. A warm light illuminates her brassy blonde
hair and our bare feet are grateful to find a straw softer than I knew existed,
covering the large area in a thick blanket, freshly placed down as a soft and
holds a last weakened vine open like a curtain for me, as the low murmers fall
to a sudden halt and we are left with the songs of crickets and we know we are
being watched, they know we are here.
My fear grows to an almost unbearable pressure but it is too late to turn back, we see their figures, pale faces offset with dark hair and dark clothing. They circle tightly around a large cooking fire, wooden shields and bright flags hung from the makeshift walls. A maze of temporary buildings fill a large dip in the field that is Gryphon’s nest, they stay close to the Cypress Swamp that circles us. In a collective trance they gaze deeply into the fire, ritual plants wearing off and a welcome back to ordinary reality. Women in chairs with young men on the straw floor, leaning back into the women’s laps.
Animalistic terror but I cannot turn back and Chelsea is with me, she would not hesitate to step through the fires of hell for a lunch with Hades. Tired Viking men maintain a loose grip on their handmade axes, carved with protection sigils.
The Viking King stands to give us a booming welcome with an order to make ourselves at home. Warm, and fetching us his personally aged burnt honey mead, served in a bison horn and passed around. The men shuffle their seats to offer us the best spot by the fire, passing us apple wine and a pipe. The young Vikings pick up their conversation, lightly teasing and joking with each other. Chelsea insists I tell of the 2 dreams I had the night prior, as they are a popular tale circling Gryphon’s Nest this Imbolc holiday. I flush at the attention but speak as they watch me. Smiling, they poke fun at my eels and we laugh together.
When Chelsea’s marshmallows emerge, a man is commanded to fetch us roasting sticks, which turn out to more resemble harpoons, and the soft candy looks comically small, stabbed and perched above the flame. The king declares his boar brought out, and a large shank, hooves and hair and all is placed on the fire and he sits back, satisfied. He speaks with me for a long while as his wife dozes next to him and sweet young men shyly meet my eyes from across the heart of the fire.