Relapse into Fantasy

The New Story is
I am not human
I never was
No desire to eat or bathe or
Love with a body yet some
Creature of the stars
Of soft mosses Pain is
In the skin in the
Mouth it hurts
To breathe. Light too bright
To dull to fight

Call my name by candlelight,
How can’t you see?

Don’t you see I am not human?
I tried to tell him
I tried
there is nothing more to do.

Delusion is a pastime I can
Admit I like to alter reality to a
Place of whimsy if the
Conclusion is my lack of
Humanness, then I acquire a pardon,
Possess an excuse for all the
Strangeness I feel and why
I don’t enjoy having skin around me

There is fear at myself.

Thoughts seem to flit about and attack each other
Sometimes play I observe
Chaos, welcome
Relapse to fantasy to Letting
Go and writing myself into mythology maybe
I can make something maybe
I can make sense this is
Not mania this is salvation this is
Inevitability in a little
Cottage in mountains I
Surround moss I am gathered by fallen twigs
Watched by foxes and magical girls
Follow me around and cry
Crystals at my feet there are
A million moonbeams in your eyes
There are a million reasons to not
Want to die I have always been attracted to a
Man with that twinkle in the eye
Look towards me out of the corners of your face yet
You’ve no idea what you see
What you see is not what you want me to be
I will never be who you need me to be.

I equally am and equally am not a
Misplaced creature in a foreign land am and am not
A cast away deity shaking sleep from stardust hair
This land is not my own I am not of here this
Language discordant in my ears this
Spins too fast this fragile pain
There is no burrow deep enough

Take me back to slow water
Take me back to wind chimes
Take me back to bones
Take me back to the beating of the
Heart of humanity to sex
To electricity where
I could never be touched enough when
I cried out romance into cuts in my skin contains
Feels alive with
Girls I love with
Danger, with
Salvation. Love is repentance
Love is guilt
Love is hurt

Being otherworldly creates me a goddess I
Desire to be admired
From afar
Tell the world pretty stories yet the face
On the other side of the veil is
Just deep lipstick you can
See through my skin, what is on the inside?
There must be a doctor
Somewhere that  can tell me what
I look like inside I tried
Oh god you can believe me I’ve tried

There is something yet within
She inhabits gilded halls
In a little globe in her palm
It is a secret
Inside I am a secret
It is nice that way
Emerge to pray and light incense
To be admired and back
Inside wherever the
World can be too much to
lounge amongst perfection to
Solitude in absolute Men walk from thousands of miles
Away blistered pilgrims in my holy name
Yet the story I really contain a young
Man who somehow
Knows he may not
Be human it does not matter at all
There is nothing we can do
He can see it behind my eyes he can see that
I am not ethereal at all at
2am
Binging on sweets
Greasy hair
Smeared makeup
Dissociated
I am not ethereal
In pain
Under you
At war with myself
To ask you or to not ask you
To stop or to fight
I am not ethereal at
2am
At my parent’s house
Snot on my chin
I am not ethereal changing a wet bloody pad
I am not a ghost I
Haunt old songs in my car
The only part of me that is close to human is the pain,
Possibly the pain
this could be human one day
Pain at blood red at gnawing stomachs
Pain at the throat at the vulva at
Claws in my eyes at
Coldness and pain when hit and
Passing out
I leave blind
I’d rather feel pain than be dead inside

He is pure violence he
Breaks through the lock he
Does not care at all he
Breaks right through my heart through
Ornaments of gold through
Winged cat eyes through
Fishnets he
Destroys my fiction
I thought I did create
My alien skin he
Is not fooled is
Not afraid of me
Oh how did I let this happen he
Tears down the veil he
Does not care at all
Oh I tried to let him know
I am not yet human
Yes I fucking tried to let him know yet
At my feet at the altar on top of
Blood he may die for my
Love does kill, the fleshy creature in me
Caught his eye
He tossed aside my storybook he
Tore apart the fairy tale
Set fire to woodland cottage
Melted down my crown
He cared enough to truly see
He fucking set me free
I fooled myself, why yes he did
And yet likewise, he fooled me.

I’d rather hold the pain than be dead inside
It fits nicely in a little globe Pretty
From outside but
I can make a cage luxurious
No one will take my pain I’ll
Spin stories I’ll seduce you Pain turns
You swooning when I paint it with gilded
Feathers when I sprinkle it with fairy dust when
I record it in a leather bound diary
This is all I have
This is all my own

You will never be able to read me
Even my expressions are in code
Even my kiss is a disguise

I have been asked the right questions before
The breadcrumbs have been followed
Fine,
I’ll admit that
Yet then I cannot maintain
Fresh coats of Lavender over the stain
I cannot protect the storybook
Cannot defend the Pain
This human skin
I tried to become an alien
I fought to become a Fae
I killed myself to become a Saint
For people to share stories
Around camp fires
A being of legend of mystery that
No one ever knew
Who lived in a beautiful cage
Who imprisoned herself in a caricature
Who was never quite sure who she even was
What she was.
Would rather live in stories

A beginning a middle and an end
Tied with a bow

I Hope You’re Staying Dry: Hurricane Party, Sex, Drugs, and Witchcraft

This past weekend’s
Hurricane Party
Skate gang is
Sola, Samuel, and Swamp Bunny

Wake on Alligator’s couch
Sweet voices from the shower
You have a soft side Sola,
My Best friend with her fiancé, Cheshire Cat.
I am glad he treats you well
You rise together early morning
Playful in the shower

When I’m with you we
Pass the best days of my life
We spin dizzy colors
Bleed together and
Sting my eyes
This is Not a Drill
I am in Love with Mr. Alligator
And he is your fiance’s best friend

It is July there is a Hurricane in the gulf
Soon we will feel the sky shaking
Hide in Uptown, New Orleans I know I am not
Safe here yes, I am better off by my parent’s up North
Yet here I am and can you guess why?
I long to sleep tonight in the quiet dip in the sofa
Where you rest your head when you come Home,
Alligator, I long to stay by our friends
Dysfunction and drugs and playing
The Game yes, I love you in plain sight

In the mid morning
Sola and I wander to Tree of Life to
Pray for Rain to Cleanse our Sins
We pose each other in hot pics
For Insta she plants palms in
Damp peat moss in decay she
Kicks her feet up in an arc
Handstand against a low branch
Yoga, muscles, and curves
Unapologetic #ThirstTraps

We suffocate as we heal as Tree of Life
Tosses Spanish Moss in my open diary
Throw me something Ma’am
I take the moss home with me, because
You gave yourself of your free will
Unto me, you placed yourself inside
My diary you demand to lounge
Deep in my unconscious and you
Surface in my dreams in
Sexual fantasies I enjoy
Thinking of Alligator when I am with
His Best Friends I am
Aroused by the idea
Of them feeling envious of our
Tense desire our burning eyes

Tree of Life commands us to
Weave Magic
Into the tapestry
Into the sky
Sola and I gather moss for spell work
For darker days

I ascend her
Straddle her solid beneath me
“Girl You’ve Got To Trust Her
Or this will never work okay?”
Palms on bark, focus on her branch
In my eyes of ancients past
I’ve gotta trust what is directly in front
There is no fear in this moment
“I can’t look down or surely I will fall.”
Succumb to flying to
Standing on tippy toes to
Steal a Kiss her sun kissed leaves
Leave her blushing you always
Leave me wanting more
But you’re not here, are you Mr. Alligator?
And so I climb her more.

Back home it is late, late
Samuel turns off the TV and
Hushes the boys to let me sleep
In the nook of your body’s heat
I still feel you here
You slept here weeks ago
When are you coming home?

The next night we discover an
Alien Planet
Rich folk’s grass
The good kind on the
Golf Course at Audobon Park
Carpet exposes we are miniatures
Ant specks crawling under a
Purple and orange sky observes
Ancient oaks pause
Here and there as a
Humble Hurricane passes by
He arrives in finality and marvels
Me and the Gang
Break Federal Curfew
Indulge in rebellion
Punk Rock jacket I created
To show you who’s boss
I am the #SwampThot
Sola takes a photo of me
Stretched seductively
Across the slick keep- out sign
We give Zero Fucks
Piss on the pampered lawn of
Old Money New Orleans
Generations of dirty Money
Lavishness fetishized from the
Blood and sweat of Slaves,
Walking home on St. Charles
A blacked out car skids by
Samuel says they “must be moving
A couple Kilos.” Since “now would
Be the perfect time.” Says a cop
Follows in disguise.

Back home: Samuel presents a
Fancy case his wide smile with a flourish says
“Swamp Bunny, You Need To Smell This Weed”
My face betrays my repulsion my
Lack of experience with his decadence
Unintentionally personal insult
He has lost the ability to relate that
I cannot be impressed I make a
Mental note to tell Alligator,
He will be in stitches over this one.

Morning and Sola, Samuel and I blade
Audoban park in full lucidity
Of daylight we are
The Coolest Kids you’ll ever see
Who wouldn’t kill to hang with us?
Rushing past Blaring
Nasty music Dressed to
Impress Styled to Terrify
Moves to Testify
Samuel says he feels like he’s flying
I say I feel alive

Afternoon and we encounter a Vigilante Weatherman
At The Fly on the Mississippi River, says
He prefers to be called an
Armature Storm Chaser
I could not resist asking about
His homemade wind sock
Broken Sexton from Party City after Halloween Sale
Red Hair and freckles, eyes squint
Points to the Eye of the Storm
In the distance
Draws us a diagram on a
Stained Chinese Takeout Menu
I dare not correct him, bite my tongue
Struggle to keep from laughing that
Everything he has said is wrong, wrong, wrong.

The sweetest moment the
Hard candy on my tongue
Was a 5 word text from my Alligator
“I hope you’re staying dry.”

Night falls: Cheshire cat shows me
Patient bubbles in molten
Butter teaching me to make
Edibles Sickly Golden
Marshmallow and 90s children’s cereal
Always Watching Everything and Everyone
He takes it all in, I wonder
Does he have a choice? I wonder
Can he rest at night?

Hurricane Barry 2019 I spent with
My Best Friend Sola, with Samuel and
Cheshire Cat, cuddled in my Crush’s bed

And here in my palm,
I take home a mason jar of
Hurricane Water I gathered in heavy mugs
On the brick by her potted garden
Sola adds Brandy to keep it fresh
Now colors honey sharp to save for
Witchcraft for dry days
One for me and one for you.
And a boy for me and a boy for you.
How could I want for more.

Sweet Fear Aquarius

A softer desire. Sweeter,
quieter affection. You move slow,
make sure I enjoy you.
Can we be little creatures together?
I’d like to burrow into you, into soft Earth,
Can we make love tonight?
Like the Wind,
You want to see so much, cannot
Sit still, I must respect
Your nature, my lover I can only
Pray that you choose to stay

You are the Wind
Also the steady Breath
Come home to the body
Bringer of seasons Messenger of
Tidings of Summer heatwaves you
Howl through my bones Love
You hurl sand grains in the
Eyes of distant armies you
Blow the Sea from shore to shore
Your waves
Overpower my body and
I let you caress me on the porch by the Sea.

You are always here
Come home to my body Deep
Belly, throat, mouth and lips
Fill me to my lungs and nose
Make me wonder if
I will survive the pleasure of your fingertips
Assault of my lips, tangle my hair
I want you. There is your
Voice from California I heard
You’re still singing. Alone or
In a crowd I don’t care just
Keep fucking singing
Fuck till we’re gasping
Fight till we’re screaming
Keep sending me paper letters
Crisp leaves falling slow carried
In your palms across Mountains across
Prairie. Home to New Orleans.

We’re not so far away,
Really
I can still hear you singing.

Feel your chest rise and fall, my sweetest Aquarius if you can’t tell me, please whisper in my ear. I will pause the turn of the Earth to create quiet enough to hear you. I will breathe over your chest, kiss your lean stomach, I will put goosebumps down your spine.

Caus your voice is the one I want to hear right now. Yours alone. Ours together I’d bet we will make music, we’ll make Magic.

& if it makes you happy maybe I will float with you, steadiness as we pause here and there to plant seeds and

Running again we are panting, we are
Always laughing we
Make love we are gasping and
Fingers dig into each other hold on
For dear life I fucking promise I won’t let you
Blow away
& you finally held on
You returned to your body
We sighed together
Ragged and Terrified
Stop Running
Catch your breath
Please come home

I’d part the Red Sea if I could find a way into your heart
Navigate the Mountains between us
Not the hurricane, not the tornado
Will be a reason anymore find the
True reason for running off
Stop pushing me away
Breathe in, let go
Come home.

July 2019

We Destroyed the Miracle because We Could

These days I am weary
But I let the ocean toss me
Surrender to
Her Power
Acknowledge I am
Smaller
Than omnipotent peace
Carried myself to the sea at midnight
Full moon and went
To the Deep
Strong enough to fight Her
Deep and cold where the
Fear Lives where
Old women sing us awake
Treading Water
You are rough tonight
But I have faith I will not go under
I spoke with you & the Moon I
Sang in French
Dove under each wave
Reemerging just to say I could
Bare but not quite nude
Salt between toes
Dove under each quake
As she Came
and sticky and shaking in my body
Gasping as if I might Drown

I Fought For You
I Battled in your Name I
Love You

I’ll never fucking leave you.
Curl & float
I may look dead but I am very alive
Toss me about all you like caus
All I can do is trust you
The Bravest I’ll ever do is
Surrender

Up on the porch next to my Best Friend
I let the wind coarse over my entire body I
Let her Caress me I let her
Hold me & Sweep all the Muck away &
She did so gladly. She never stopped,
Not once. She never left. I just laid back.

Then me and the guys, we walked Late, Late
& Found a mysterious gift of fresh fruit
Laid bare a miracle a gift washed up
Lulled in the wading deep
Offering which we destroyed,
Reveling, in our power
Ending that which was free & Holy
Because We Could
And that is enough

Figures in the dark,
Tyler says they’re afraid
Of Me and I swell in
Power and Pride

I said we should scream into the waves, I
Said run, and we did,
We fucking did.

Girls, Bodies, & Magic

Soft, pink & warm thing,
Palm of my left hand you lie
Sleeping you dream of dancing maybe
One day crying.

He is nearby.
Never sure if
He is watching,
So continue performing.
Carry on your
Prancing.
Let him close when he approaches.
It’s okay to look away when
He can’t see.

Disgust & self-loathing,
Feed your daughter before
She knows better.
Before she knows
She’s stronger.
Feed her poison when she laughs
Too loud. Shine her windows when she
Scrapes her knee playing ball.

Put a needle in her palm.
Buy her a shiny fish to stare at.

Teach her to slit her
Tongue
& Lick
Bruises, to keep cumming,
Flipping pages, avoiding
Rages.

It won’t be long till she understands her opinion is only valuable for marketing.

She’ll teach herself how to starve, don’t worry about that.
She’s okay, really, she’s okay. It’s not a problem because she
Keeps
Saying
She’s Okay.

And mind your damn business.

He had visions of you taking over this world and he was terrified, you shook him to his core. He knew, he saw your fire, he saw you dancing in red skirts, heard you singing wild, he understood the threat of your joy, the sharpness of your mind, the power of your body, the magic in your words,

He saw you as a weapon

& He made you believe that for many many years.

As you were born he feared you were a witch yet
Here you are a Sorceress
You are yet a queen
Embody
Goddess recognize yourself in the mirror
Honor her in each of your sisters
Don’t stop gazing
You will see

———————
Photograph at top is by: Aries Photography, find her on Instagram @ariesphotographynola
Modeling is by me: Mag

The Sacred Rite

It wasn’t until the wedding, when they stood at the altar, face to face.  Thick Louisiana hum, twilight filtering silver overtaken by gold from little fires here and there and torches carried by our family and friends, but mostly strangers here to witness and bask in the energy of this sacred Beltane Rite. We are witches, two days ago we met, and tonight we are wed.

Stars emerge paired with fireflies. Shed pieces of animal, plant, seed, bone, mother, flaking and gathering oil and smoke, deep scents on the large altar behind us, we stand under a canopy of palm leaves, a flashback to ancient Egypt and I know without question his eyes never left mine. 

We were humanity, mortality, filtered to pure sexuality.  We were chosen divinely for this role of the God and the Goddess embodied. As the May Queen, I was chosen by picking the drink of mead with a turquoise inside, while as he, as the Oak King, won my hand by catching me in the Great Hunt and correctly answering my riddle.

We stood, having led our tribe to welcome the springtime, to worship the deer and the wolf, on this sacred land of Gryphon’s Nest.  They followed us across the expanse of the field, carrying sparklers, surrounded by the swamps, to a great altar and circle around which they watched eagerly.

Our family gathered around us, all of humanity and bleeding animal, breaking hearts of gods and goddesses, angels holding their breath so not to cry, so not to sing. 
And sing, we did.

As the High Priestess and Priest closed the circle around us, and called the Elements, coaxed the corners of the earth to lounge as sacred voyeurs to human love and lust. Now silence falls, but the buzz of the land under our bare feet and radiating into our bodies.  I feel the embrace of my friends, I feel the heat of the man across from me as he gazed into my eyes with overwhelming passion.  Waves threatening to crest over my head, to pull me into the deep.  I desire so much as to meet your gaze, but I am so afraid.

Your burrow into my soul, in the most literal sense. A refusal to look away.

You find nothing in me scary

I become aware of a face in the circle, in line of my sight is Vovin, and my fear is shaken away with a wink and shimmy from our Man of Honor.  This is the courage I needed to move fully into my body.  Growing taller, hot tea swamp water soaking up from my bare feet, bruised with ripeness.

Overcome with humming, she takes a dare, she glances up at him.  Through fear, shyly steps out a quiet knowing.  A deep but sweet confidence, pulling the curtain aside, step into the Goddess, she has been here waiting patiently the whole time.  I lounge into myself like a warm bath.  Held in the embrace of your terrifying eyes I jump into a roaring river, equal so to dipping bare feet into a crystal stream, freezing and laughing.  And I did not look away, I burned right back into you, not a choice but an accepting an invisible invitation to dance from your playful eyes.  Swelling and body cooling and heating, growing taller, skin illuminating.  A goddess in all of us I stood for the girls, for Melody my niece, stood for my mother, for grandmothers of color, for queer sisters and for the sluts and for the women in Hijabs.

You were all present
And he saw that
Saw me jump in
Let go of my footing
Risk everything
His eyes grew gentle into mine
Float above the Earth and
Take a look down and see
Shining stones and gray moths. We all
Desire the same thing:
We all want to be loved
for precisely who we are and
in that moment I knew
You saw me. And I
Knew you met my eyes, I
Watched as tears formed in
Softly folded corners
Warmest blue in pain in clinging
to pieces of drift wood
Grasping at pieces of iceberg.
Clawing for a drip of water in
the desert I saw you also.
I jumped into the screaming
Truth and you were my soft landing
My gentle tether to earth
My safety
And I was yours too.

In your eyes a boy, a man, a warrior and a priest.  You’ve lived hundreds of lives, you’ve taken thousands more and the blood of old men’s rage pools in the lines of your palms, the same hands you hold your lover with. Those hands you hold back tears with, now you feel safe to lie them down and cry.  I witnessed in you each lifetime of all of humanity, I witnessed your subtle pain and shame, disguised and renamed, but now allowed to feel as he feels. I witnessed your craving, a violent movement towards healing.  Countless screaming births, and endless peaceful deaths. 

Love, in that moment you placed it all at our feet.  You surrendered your desire to be a martyr, left it with the God you embody on this holy night.  You released your white-knuckle grip on your sword, and we watched it fall silently to the floor. Years and painful years, heartache and movement and a running on and on, mountain to sea to valley, to the suffocating dust of Mars.  Your home is here and now.  You, now, accept your weight, your physical presence under the moon here with me.  With your family. 

Please tell me you are real

My love, in that moment we knew.  Rushing together, divinely paired. You took my hands and in front of every living being on earth, with every spirit past and present, with the ancestors looking on with bated breath with each speck of dust and moons and earthworm’s soil.

I declared my love to you in our wedding vows
I spoke for all the women
Felt for us all
And when you spoke back, your voice shook,
You spoke as poetry
As you declared yourself bound to me

And nothing you said could be doubted as anything but the immortal truth

The High Priestess and Priest placed veils upon our heads and great headpieces of antler on you and flowers, moss, and insects upon me and we allowed ourselves to be guided to the ground, red and pink and white flowers arranged in a perfect pentagram, our wedding bed.  I watched, through the eyes of divinity, as you laid down for me.  As I placed myself upon you, legs over your body, weight on your lap, my hands gently steadied on your chest. 

Sacred Rite: a Marriage, a Vow, Sex between Heaven and Hell.  Creation of Pleasure, Celebration of Mortality, burning inside lust a sexual desire and all began to dance, all began to chant and with Mugwort wafting over us, we held out thin hands to welcome  a Chalice for me and an Athame for him and slowly, gently, agonizingly, you placed yourself into me. 

Crowd shouting, creatures weeping, the Rite is complete. We are guided to our feet, my Chalice is filled with mead and your Athame dipped in honey and each person passes by to sip and kiss and receive blessing, maybe a message as well.  As they pass, and make their way back to earth, to the pool, the wild after party, we collapse together beside a small fire, as the ritual area is tidied. We did not speak at all, in the afterglow of deep ritual of possession of our bodies by celestial beings.  You looked off into the distance, at nothing in particular, creating space to return.  I snuggled between your angled knees, and there we held each other, and the Earth continued to turn as Spring quickened and romance blossomed and the insects resumed their day.  Dark now, the agonizing angles of your face flitting about by light of the fire, lean muscles in your arms made sharp by shadow.  We gazed and gazed in silence, basking in the glory of Beltane, of the God and Goddess’s lingering presence, of our scents and each other’s primal sexuality, basked in Mead and Honey we were blessed, but more so, we blessed each other, but most of all, we allowed ourselves to receive. 

Two simple, holy, breathing creatures. Holding on, letting go. Return to our bodies, allow the deities to go back home. From that moment, we knew as our hearts beat with the turn of the Earth, we would never be the same again, and we would be bound in some way for all of eternity.

Please tell me this was real

Girls In Trees

I climb in trees
fate is thin branches
hold a girl’s weight
toll of a bell
sway in the turn of seasons
cling to the metronome
wonder just how far over these old houses can I see
how far
              can this branch bend
              take me towards the earth and
              back into space again
              spring me in and out of reality
life exists between sky and earth
life within girl in leaves and roots
in soil
death exists.

Doesn’t know doesn’t
care where she will rest

She
              Swings.  Allows fate to
              toss dice.  Lets the wind
              make up its own mind. 
              Sails or no sails.
Swings
Climbs trees
Scrapes on
              Forearms
                             Thighs
Thick bark in hands
rough
feel my skin

Just as I am

See me as the girl in trees

Now in trees
equidistant
she is the connection of heaven and earth

I place a crown upon my head
goddess of in-between
              connection
              meeting point
              electricity
              communication
              alliance

Sacred heaven
mother earth
I hold you to my
              cherished chest

Sacred body
Magdalena’s earthly presence
carried in silks across
continents
shared in a hush, in a cry, in a joyous song
in the net in leaves
catch the sun
hold tight my moon
crown glints night and day
water, dark star dust
floats through
the fabric

I am on earth.

Held in comfort
my arms bear, rejoice, uplift, empower

I stand firm
feet in soil
Hair wild and tangled in the wind

I hold in my heart
the girls in trees

—————
(Written Summer 2018)