avalanche

They say if you get trapped in an avalanche,
before you are buried, raise a hand high in the air,
cup your other hand over your nose and mouth, then

jump.

But if I heard what I imagine would be
A slow growl of ice releasing

If I saw god’s mouth racing towards me

I would not raise my arm high in the hopes of being saved
I would cross it over my chest and
close my eyes

Perhaps the snow can really hold me

my body can be the warm center in a
cluster of ice
the bite of pain that
supposedly fades with cell death

although they also say nerves in the
brain are actually somewhat preserved

Like a steak wrapped in cling wrap and
stacked upon it’s brothers
in a cooler somewhere

How long do the memories remain in my
body once I lose consciousness and if
I were to be revived at what point would I cease being me

what if they still save me despite my lowered arm

Perhaps the animal in me will actually scream
Perhaps the heat will make a different choice
Against a will, my hand flies up or is taken perhaps
ripped from my chest and torn into the air

What part of me is that
Stubborn will to live
Stubborn animal
Holy animal

to hate myself is to hate god
to kill myself is to kill fate
maybe I can love

I met a girl in checkered shorts and
Doc Martens
who is she
just across a table
a late night kiss
a first date kiss
a city park kiss

Maybe

Maybe

I approach a maybe

This could be something good

–

Being buried by snow = release = comfort = suicide?

If in an avalanche would you jump and raise your arm? Would your body reflexively do it anyway? Part of your body/ unconscious wants you to live.
What would it be like to see the avalanche rushing towards you.

What would it feel like to be buried.

Physically and mentally.
Torn between will to live and suicide/ release.

Like toxic love.

A risk for connection = which part?

Compare to connecting with people.

Images of her. But not as in a “reason to live” way.